Words of wisdom from a friend which were so uplifting, raw and real that it helped me transition from hyperventilating to breathing, and should be a literal booklet ASAP :)
Sorry for the delay. I wasn’t sure if it was my sisters cooking or my nephew transmitting one of those little kid diseases to me. I woke up sick in the middle of the night and spent most of the morning sick. It seems like the worst is over, so hopefully I’m in the right mindset to write to you.
I wish there was something I could do or say to make everything better. Times like these are when I wish I was rich and could make people’s problems disappear. For now, I will do my best with my words and meager life experiences.
Here is a one panel comic about a koala that I think about from time to time:
EDIT: I forgot to add the picture. I’ll put it the most recent message. sorry about that.
The way I interpret it, is when a person is going through or has been through a lot of shit, their nervous system reacts accordingly. It shuts down, it defends itself. This is normal behavior. Some people can handle it well, some don’t. Sometimes therapists and friends can give you a few tools and techniques to help manage it.
Emotional distress in my mind is the same as hunger, thirst and bathroom. It never goes away completely. It always comes back and you have to do something to satisfy it. It is something that needs to be understood and managed. and humans tend to overcomplicate it. Or we are tricked into overcomplicating through advertistments, greed or control. A quote I’ve heard is “We exist in a bizarre combination of Stone Age emotions, medieval beliefs, and god-like technology.”.
I think a lot has been thrown at you all at once and you are being overwhelmed. Your koala jungle has been cut down (or maybe in the wrong jungle). The good news is that you are more than capable of managing and overcoming it but you gotta break it down into simpler chunks that our stone-aged brains can handle.
Autism as a diagnosis is one of those interesting concepts I don’t fully understand to be honest. It might be real, it might not. It’s possible I may be one. But I’m not sure it would matter much to me if I was. I’m still going to like what I like and attempt to accomplish my goals. No matter what some other person says I am or am not. Plenty of people try to put us in boxes. I propose that there is no box.
A few things about autism perplex me. For example, I can’t find a good definition of what it is. “it’s a spectrum” is what I’m told. But everything I read about it just describes “people”. There are no double blind studies.There is no hard science behind it. Answers are based on multiple choice opinions. Would you make the same choice next month? Would a close friend make the same choice about you? Not to mention there are socio-economic, class, regional and cultural differences. One country’s “neuro-divergent” is another country’s “neuro-typical”. Japanese are punctual. Iraqis are not. There are countries where smiling would label you as a scammer or a deviant. But if you didn’t smile in America, you would be considered a sociopath and asshole. Living with someone before marriage is normal and expected here. A social no no where you live. A crime in Saudi Arabia.
Anyways, I’m rambling. The point is, at least as far as your country and culture is concerned, you are definitely a grade A weirdo. I say this as a compliment. Lol. That’s probably why we get along so well, because I can recognize one of my own.
So regardless of whatever “ism” labels your neighbors and therapists put on you, it doesn’t have to define you. YOU define who you are. The Ritika “before” diagnosis wasn’t letting anyone stop her. The Ritika from before bravely confronted her mother and said she was dating someone despite cultural norms. Ritika from before was a reader and a thinker and was begging others to do the same. Ritika was a painter, an explorer, a dreamer and a philosopher. She was planning on writing books. She is still those things and more.
So I think you should look at your diagnosis not as a limiting factor or a curse, but more like “oh I know more about myself, now I can figure out how to live with it and adjust”. So let yourself feel sad for a bit; cry if you need to. Then you dust yourself off, pick yourself up and figure out your next realistic steps.
A possible step one. I would talk to your boyfriend and ask him how he feels about you and your relationship. Guessing how someone feels about you in a negative way is never a good thing. I can’t speak for him, but it’s possible in his way he wants you to do well in life but isn’t considering how you feel. So he might be accidentially being selfish. But again, that would be guessing. I don’t know anything about your relationship with him other than he exists. Only way to know is to have an honest conversation where you each consider how the other feels and say out loud the expectations you have and want out of the relationship. HOWEVER…
One huge downside you are most likely aware of is…if that conversation doesn’t go well…then you don’t really have anywhere to go, do you? If that conversation goes south, do you move back in with the parents? Or is there another safe place you can live? So maybe being more strategic and setting up an escape plan first would be in order. I do not envy your choice. I think anyone would be depressed just from this subject alone.
With the Bollywood star issue. Do it. I believe in you. Even if you somehow royally fuck it up, use it as a learning experience. One of my favorite sayings is “Smooth seas do not make good sailors”. Another favorite is, ” The master has failed more times than the beginner has even attempted.” Embrace making mistakes. So go out there and fuck it up! If you don’t, then someone else will! At the very least it will be a fun story to tell later. Who knows? What if it all works out?! Only one way to find out!
Don’t worry about putting out a bunch of stuff on Youtube and LinkedIn right now if you don’t want to. Part of my own depression management is sometimes I have to shut down, replenish myself and reevaluate what I am doing and if I even enjoy it. If you find that you do enjoy it and you are really doing it for yourself…then embrace it.
Don’t worry about unloading on me with your thoughts and feelings. I’ve unloaded my wacky issues to you on multiple occasions. We are part of the same tribe, remember? Lol.
I can’t speak much about the social issues of India, other than what you have told me, and what I have seen and read online. There definitely seems to be a lot of bad. Especially with women’s rights. I wish I could say my own country is a lot better, but it’s a mixed bag and a lot of women’s rights have been recently taken away like with abortion. That being said we don’t have rape gangs that I’m aware of. Just mass shootings and the occasional cannibal.
As a backup, are there any countries you have considered moving to that are friendly and cheap to Indian migrants? Or even maybe looking at what their asylum programs are? Do you have a passport just in case? Is it easy to get one there? Might be a good idea just to have one just in case.
So in summary. You are human. And you are going through alot right now. So it’s important to focus on what you can control. At least that is what I try to do with myself. If I’m wrong about anything, then I apologize. My intent is not to cause you distress and harm, but maybe one of my ridiculous points could be useful to you. Also, if I forgot to address something or you want me to clarify one of my thoughts then let me know.
So possible focus list:
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Talk to boyfriend (unless you think it gets you kicked out.) A. If goes well: yay. Communication. B. If not: a-sharpen a stick and live in the wilderness. b-live with parents, become traditional and suffer forever. c-live with parents, pretend to be traditional and use it a staging ground for your next scheme.
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If afraid to talk to boyfriend: A. save up money/ find steady temporary job B. acquire passport C. research asylum to safe/cheap country D. Or find other safe living arrangments with a female friend or by yourself if possible.
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Do the Bollywood gig. A. It works out: yay B. It doesn’t: learn from it. Tell story at drunken party later.